This is a great editorial from Peter Howell of the Toronto Star.
Listen to Us, Hollywood
Time magazine's Person of the Year 2006 is You.
December 22, 2006
Peter Howell
Not being cynical by nature, I had to stifle an uncharacteristic snort of derision upon seeing Time magazine's Person of the Year issue on the newsstands.
Time editors long ago grew bored of feting individual males. So the newsweekly once again bestows its annual honours on something weird and amorphous. Remember last year, when a do-gooders mnage trois was arranged between rock star Bono and billionaire nerds Bill and Melinda Gates for a Persons of the Year tribute? Or back in 1982, when the mag skipped people altogether and named the home computer Machine of the Year?
This year's choice for Person of the Year is You, and by You Time means you, me and the idiot who cut you off on the 401 this morning. Plus everyone else in the world. This includes your brother who hates you, your co-worker who is a clown and the lady who grabbed the last Timbits. We're all in this together.
In other words, You means Us. And by Us, Time really means All of Us Humans. (This doesn't include your dog that knows how to change TV channels or your cat that can meow "Jingle Bells." They have to wait their turn.)
You got that? Okay. The special thing about You, and what prompted my most unexpected snort, was the suggestion by Time that we're all finally cool with computers. That would be the same computers You and I have been wrestling with since at least 1982, when they beat Us for Time's annual cover stroke.
"You control the Information Age," Time now tells us, explaining its You hoo-hah. "Welcome to your world."
If we're suddenly the masters of our own digital domain, I wonder, how is it that my email in-basket is still filled with spam and I'm instructed to update my programs almost every time I switch on my Mac?
But there I go fighting cynicism again. I'm not even going to mention my suspicion that the Time editors went with You because their kids introduced them to YouTube.com. Who am I to argue with the brain trust that once gave Person of the Year honours to Hitler?
Instead I'm going to roll with this idea. If I now control the Information Age, then I'm claiming control of Hollywood. That's right. If no one else is going to step up and assume the Info Age leadership so bravely announced by Time, then I'm declaring Me in charge of all Hollywood movie decisions.
And by Me I mean You, and also Us, because I'm an inclusive kind of guy. You dig? Here's what I We demand that Hollywood does to clean up its act:
Hide bad movies from everybody: The big trend for '06 was to keep bad movies away from film critics in advance of opening day, to avoid discouraging words being published or broadcast. This is an excellent start to coping with Hollywood's garbage problem. It must be extended to prevent everybody from seeing this sorry refuse at any time. Bad movies must be shipped to landfill sites in unmarked reels before they can inflict mental damage upon You and that means Us.
Write better scripts: "Studios Brace for Life Without Scribes," reads a recent Variety headline, warning of a possible screenwriters strike next year. To which I (again) uncharacteristically snorted, "Aren't they already doing that?" Most Hollywood screenplays sound like robots wrote them, so leaden are they with clichs and dull observations. It's sadly ironic that Eli Wallach's screenwriter character in The Holiday laments the demise of great movie writing and does so in one of the year's most poorly written films. This must change and it's a sign of hope that the Oscar poster this year is themed on great movie lines.
License remakes: Artistic freedom is like democracy: a great idea that is often badly executed. And there is no cultural freedom more abused than the right to remake movies that absolutely do not need them like Black Christmas. Hollywood must create a Remake Authority to determine whether a particular film should be authorized for a redo. We'll start with remakes and move to sequels and prequels later.
Exploit women over 40: Who made it a law that once an actress hits 40, she has to start playing moms, spinsters or shrews? That law must be repealed and women of a certain age must be given their fair share of gratuitous sex and nudity in movies. I'm tired of seeing teenagers being treated as sex objects when women like Catherine Deneuve, Sophia Loren, Catherine Keener and Patricia Clarkson are aching to be exploited.
Make men act their age: As a corollary to the above, it makes no sense that male actors are allowed to act like boys forever. Owen Wilson must stop playing the goofy frat boy. Woody Allen must cease pretending he's attractive to women young enough to be his granddaughters. Jack Nicholson must knock it off with the swinging bachelor stuff, unless he's planning to star in a Hugh Hefner biopic.
Find more genres: We've had our fill of inspirational football movies, biopics of misunderstood artists and randy co-eds being slashed by maniacs. It's time to create new movie genres to turn into profitable franchises. Hasn't it ever occurred to anybody how great it would be to see a movie about noble critics who devote their life's work to helping people separate the bad from the good down at the bijou? Speaking for Me, Myself and I, I'd love to see a film like that.
I toss these ideas out for free because I care about You, Me and Us.
Listen to Us, Hollywood
Time magazine's Person of the Year 2006 is You.
December 22, 2006
Peter Howell
Not being cynical by nature, I had to stifle an uncharacteristic snort of derision upon seeing Time magazine's Person of the Year issue on the newsstands.
Time editors long ago grew bored of feting individual males. So the newsweekly once again bestows its annual honours on something weird and amorphous. Remember last year, when a do-gooders mnage trois was arranged between rock star Bono and billionaire nerds Bill and Melinda Gates for a Persons of the Year tribute? Or back in 1982, when the mag skipped people altogether and named the home computer Machine of the Year?
This year's choice for Person of the Year is You, and by You Time means you, me and the idiot who cut you off on the 401 this morning. Plus everyone else in the world. This includes your brother who hates you, your co-worker who is a clown and the lady who grabbed the last Timbits. We're all in this together.
In other words, You means Us. And by Us, Time really means All of Us Humans. (This doesn't include your dog that knows how to change TV channels or your cat that can meow "Jingle Bells." They have to wait their turn.)
You got that? Okay. The special thing about You, and what prompted my most unexpected snort, was the suggestion by Time that we're all finally cool with computers. That would be the same computers You and I have been wrestling with since at least 1982, when they beat Us for Time's annual cover stroke.
"You control the Information Age," Time now tells us, explaining its You hoo-hah. "Welcome to your world."
If we're suddenly the masters of our own digital domain, I wonder, how is it that my email in-basket is still filled with spam and I'm instructed to update my programs almost every time I switch on my Mac?
But there I go fighting cynicism again. I'm not even going to mention my suspicion that the Time editors went with You because their kids introduced them to YouTube.com. Who am I to argue with the brain trust that once gave Person of the Year honours to Hitler?
Instead I'm going to roll with this idea. If I now control the Information Age, then I'm claiming control of Hollywood. That's right. If no one else is going to step up and assume the Info Age leadership so bravely announced by Time, then I'm declaring Me in charge of all Hollywood movie decisions.
And by Me I mean You, and also Us, because I'm an inclusive kind of guy. You dig? Here's what I We demand that Hollywood does to clean up its act:
Hide bad movies from everybody: The big trend for '06 was to keep bad movies away from film critics in advance of opening day, to avoid discouraging words being published or broadcast. This is an excellent start to coping with Hollywood's garbage problem. It must be extended to prevent everybody from seeing this sorry refuse at any time. Bad movies must be shipped to landfill sites in unmarked reels before they can inflict mental damage upon You and that means Us.
Write better scripts: "Studios Brace for Life Without Scribes," reads a recent Variety headline, warning of a possible screenwriters strike next year. To which I (again) uncharacteristically snorted, "Aren't they already doing that?" Most Hollywood screenplays sound like robots wrote them, so leaden are they with clichs and dull observations. It's sadly ironic that Eli Wallach's screenwriter character in The Holiday laments the demise of great movie writing and does so in one of the year's most poorly written films. This must change and it's a sign of hope that the Oscar poster this year is themed on great movie lines.
License remakes: Artistic freedom is like democracy: a great idea that is often badly executed. And there is no cultural freedom more abused than the right to remake movies that absolutely do not need them like Black Christmas. Hollywood must create a Remake Authority to determine whether a particular film should be authorized for a redo. We'll start with remakes and move to sequels and prequels later.
Exploit women over 40: Who made it a law that once an actress hits 40, she has to start playing moms, spinsters or shrews? That law must be repealed and women of a certain age must be given their fair share of gratuitous sex and nudity in movies. I'm tired of seeing teenagers being treated as sex objects when women like Catherine Deneuve, Sophia Loren, Catherine Keener and Patricia Clarkson are aching to be exploited.
Make men act their age: As a corollary to the above, it makes no sense that male actors are allowed to act like boys forever. Owen Wilson must stop playing the goofy frat boy. Woody Allen must cease pretending he's attractive to women young enough to be his granddaughters. Jack Nicholson must knock it off with the swinging bachelor stuff, unless he's planning to star in a Hugh Hefner biopic.
Find more genres: We've had our fill of inspirational football movies, biopics of misunderstood artists and randy co-eds being slashed by maniacs. It's time to create new movie genres to turn into profitable franchises. Hasn't it ever occurred to anybody how great it would be to see a movie about noble critics who devote their life's work to helping people separate the bad from the good down at the bijou? Speaking for Me, Myself and I, I'd love to see a film like that.
I toss these ideas out for free because I care about You, Me and Us.
Your body is not a temple, it's an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.
- Anthony Bourdain
- Anthony Bourdain
